April 22, 2009
Yesterday I had my sixth bone marrow draw. It was highly unpleasant, even if I was drugged and had Charles holding my hand and telling stories in an attempt to distract. It is always good to be on the other side of such procedures. This morning, my hip feels as though I have fallen hard, muscles grumbling with every step that I take. The analysis of the marrow is done at the Med Center in Omaha, and we will hear results next Tuesday. Depending on that, perhaps a clearer picture of the future may be revealed.
Nebraska has a capacity of continuing winter far past the proposed beginning of spring, and then, in a day or two, moving right into summer with ticks, mosquitoes, and hot winds from the south. This may be what is happening this year, with today the chosen one of delightful spring. Each window frames a perfectly beautiful blue sky, the plums and pears are blooming and scenting the air, the birds are in transports of delight and the frogs are singing loudly in the wetlands. Tomorrow’s forecast includes temperatures in the upper 80’s and low 90’s with increasing wind velocities.
At this moment, I am not interested in any more medical interventions – since January of this year, the several hospitalizations and introduction to new levels of pain have moved me to a place where I am content to sit quietly to enjoy what the moment has to offer. Thousands of words have been spoken and written on the subjects of living with chronic pain, suffering, living in the “now”, and how to die well. Each of these topics is ultimately so subjective that one can pick and choose whatever wisdoms one might wish to direct one’s own perceptions. I find that discourses on suffering which indicate that somehow this improves one’s character, or understanding, or sainthood, annoy me the most. My experiences with pain have left me checking off “none of the above”. Often these commentaries are made to explain God’s intent because it is so difficult to imagine a powerful and loving God permitting all the pain in the world. It eludes my comprehension, and I fling it into the compartment with all the others of the same ilk…i.e., why me, hurricanes, earthquakes, and the like. Living life day by day, sometimes hour by hour, is the best lesson learned about how to do this, and as for dying, it remains a fact that at the moment when one’s earthly journey concludes, there is just you and God. If you hold to that tenet of faith that once past the door of death, you continue living, whole, happy, and delighted in the presence of God, its truly the only way to go.
PS: John-paul is returning to the states this very day, so I am hopeful that the winter illustrations will be replaced by spring sights, and that his touch will return very soon!