January 5, 2010
Two thousand and ten! It’s a beautiful number with balance and beauty. Soon I will begin my fifth year of life inside of the cancer community. I have a blue folder that is fat with the copies of the blood readings taken over the years. . . sometimes they would be taken daily, sometimes twice weekly, and since beginning palliative care at the end of March, 2009, once monthly. The white blood count has been abysmal throughout. The disease moved to AML a year ago, and all of the information says that if one starts with the MDS type of bone/blood cancer, the life span remaining will be less than a year. I have had correspondences with others who have had the same diagnosis as mine, and all of them have died. I really don’t know what to think about this; one doesn’t live on due to a higher level of virtue or blessedness – perhaps within the marrow of my bones, there is a very small cadre of stubborn and hard working stem cells that somehow keep death at bay. Every illness, from mouth sores through coughs, intestinal distresses, bruises or headache stays with me a very long time, but eventually, I recover. I do know that others care for me, and pray for me, but I also know that the other people with whom I visited were cared for and had the gifts of prayers, too.
Sanctuary lies under its blanket of snow, gripped by a relentless cold that does not permit melting to take place. Alphie and I hurry along the paths that Charles has carved with the snow blower, and we see occasional deer, rabbits, and birds. I carry several buckets of food out each day for the wild inhabitants of this place. We see the raptors with greater frequency because they know they can find their dinners near the feeders, too. This afternoon, I saw a scattering of black feathers directly beneath the hanging feeders – a mute witness to a meal recently enjoyed, like an empty plate and a crumpled napkin.
But it is 2010! Life goes on, mysterious and unfathomable but going on. There is hope and promise in this year just begun, and my wish is that it moves forward with blessings, balance and beauty for you, too.