August 17, 2010
Our actual 50th wedding anniversary took place on Saturday, while our celebration took place in April. This was an excellent plan because I would not have enjoyed food, and the gathering would not have happened in the same fashion since I do look pretty sick now, and people would have been at a loss for words. We celebrated, of course, with Heidi the chef of the day and Charles bringing in many flowers.
I think Charles and i thought that 1) Nearly zero immunities because of the disease and 2) Pneumonia, historically the illness that gets one over to the other side, meant that I would die very soon. Sadly, we were wrong. I say “sadly” because the disease takes just a little bit of who and what you are each day. This is hard. Now my balance is challenged so I really do use the walker with the tennis balls on the ends of the pieces that keep you upright as you fling your shiny and clear green oxygen tube over your shoulder and go forth. Unfortunately, due to a general lack of all the skills required, I have rolled over Alphie’s tail – just the very end, but causing great affront as conveyed though his big sad eyes. I also have given over to John-paul the morning walk through Sanctuary because of not enough energy. He takes the camera and brings back lovely photos of sunrises, spider webs, and other delights, but it is not the same.
This Tuesday in August I slept all day. Last night I was sick to my stomach, and when one is also dependent on heavy duty drugs, then the problem becomes what goes, what stays, what went and how can that be sorted out. (I chose to not do the pain pills, to the hospice nurse’s relief.) I now think “well, that wouldn’t be so terrible. . .perhaps it would take me to the quiet and peaceful death that we all hope for.”
So goes life at Sanctuary right now. Charles and John-paul keep everything in order, with mowing, trimming, cooking and care. Alphie has one ear and one eye on John-paul much of the time because the rides, walks, and general good times are begun there. I pray a lot, and I hope to die before I get to experience the complete offerings that the disease has to offer.