April 16, 2007
[MUSIC – EIGHT: VII Diversion II 
]
How can I express the relief we felt at the blood reading today? I spent almost a month spiraling downward in health while experiencing new and nasty side effects from the Vidaza, and we still have no guidelines for the future. After last week’s poor white blood cell count, five more injections of Neupogin were ordered, and their entrance into the body brought forth intense bone aching and nausea. Today, the reward was a blood count that was normal. Once again, I feel pulled back from a place that I have not really wanted to go, and once again, there is thankfulness that when I recover from the Neupogin’s effects, the upcoming days of spring may be enjoyed.
It is difficult to think about the body as an entity that is no longer a comfortable place for the spirit to abide. Many people live in chronic pain and do so without complaint and with great courage. This time, I think I began to question the limits to my own courage, and it is a whole new subject for thought. Charles and I have visited at length about life in this strange pattern of having the therapy of chemicals carrying me into misery and pain, then slowly getting back to a place where the days are truly good days, only to begin the cycle all over again. As I have said before, we have been told that this is the requirement for continuing life on earth.
Meanwhile, spring has reemerged at Sanctuary with bird song growing ever louder, resumed frog choruses, and bright green grasses underfoot. The weeping willows down by the stream are a dreary brown. They were left there by the very cold weather that came as they were delighting us all with their bright chartreuse green fronds – I whisper to them words of encouragement as I pass by, telling them it is safe to try again. The day lilies lie white and limp, looking thoroughly disheartened, but the maples are tentatively sending out little shoots that peer out around the limp seed pods that had come forth before. So it goes throughout the plant kingdom outside of our doors. This morning, five deer ran away across the meadow, all with their white tails flagging warning and making a lovely pattern of oval shapes in motion as they bounded away – moments later, ducks flew overhead, and Alphie chased up several pheasants. With loud meadow larks song and the light of a just rising sun and breezes moving about, I felt as though I had been invited onto a Disney movie set. I must conclude that it is just such times as these, and coming back to a wonderful breakfast prepared and served by Charles as well as the conversations and laugher we will share in the day that propel me forward, and for now, that is enough.
(Next entry: April 20)