April 27, 2007
My lifeline would be a zigzag right now, this 40th day after the last round of Chemotherapy. One day will find me with enough energy to run a few errands and do some cooking and laundry, and the next will be one in which just walking around Sanctuary is a huge chore. Some mornings feel as though there has been a body switch during the hours between midnight and dawn and the one that I haul out of bed is at least twenty years older than the one I tucked in for the night. The blood draw of this week indicated a drop by half from the week before when the added Neupogen shots had returned it to normal. Of course, there is anxiety because this response to the eleventh round of Chemo is so different, and we didn’t find out why from anyone because there is no information to be shared. So, what to do?
Each day, life has to be picked up and arranged into something that can be managed because it cannot be understood. “Live by faith” is a biblical directive that helps a great deal, and also the very direct statements by Christ about not becoming anxious about the future. There are the emotions that need to be beaten back – frustration at a body that cannot be sent forth into house and garden to do those wonderful tasks of living because even if the mind is energetic, the tissues are so weary; sorrow for taste buds that won’t awaken, and the wailing in the background for things lost…i.e. piano lessons with the granddaughters because the energy just isn’t there, and so forth.
Ah well – on the “Get a Grip” side of life, the stinky cheeses arrived this week, and now all three reside, very snugly wrapped, in the refrigerator. I picked up the French one and sniffed at it this morning, and sure enough, there was some scent that remained on my fingers in spite of the careful wrapping. Now I will research a bit to find out how best to serve them; surely one at a time, and perhaps on the roof or porch with large amounts of wine and bread. Perhaps we will cut them into dainty chunks and wrapped and beribboned, deliver them to our friends saying, “We were just thinking about you today, and thought we would bring you this little gift”. (Or perhaps not!) The month of May will bring children visiting, flowers blooming, graduations, Mother’s Day, and wedding showers. Life goes on, and I am still in it encircled in love and the physical beauty of earth’s awakening – there is much to look forward to, and much for which to be thankful.