March 16, 2006
Today winter came back to Nebraska, and today we drove in to visit with the oncologist in Lincoln. My cough is still present, but it appears that the battle with the virus is slowly being won. Nonetheless, the doctor determined to wait a week before resuming the chemotherapy for fear that as it begins its work and destroys good white cells along with the useless ones, the virus could triumph and pneumonia could set in. More viewing of blood counts, and the doctor concludes that the bone marrow still keeps its secrets closely guarded. There is no way to know what is happening; it will take several more rounds of chemotherapy and a bone marrow draw to get an idea about the efficacy of the Vidaza. Because the white blood count has not changed much for the better, it is presently unclear. All of us reviewed the stem cell transplant information and the general thought is that it is not a very viable option. I think it would come down to how badly one would wish to continue life on earth.
Daughter Janna flew here yesterday to spend two and a half days with us, leaving her daughters at home in the care of their father. The skein of threads that fashion the bonds between mother and daughter can be a complex one. Much is strong and beautiful, but inevitably there are knots and tangles that have been set aside for fear of unraveling the good along with the difficult patches. We had time to sit in front of the large windows looking out over the awakening wetlands and talk and cry a little as we spoke with great honesty to one another. So I have to celebrate another gift of this new life; the opportunity to unknot, smooth out and move on in greater strength and beauty.
The March skies here are filled with clouds moving rapidly across the sky, and in their passage, there are momentary breaks permitting bright sunlight to illuminate everything below. Seconds later, clouds close again, but the memory of the brightness lingers. So it is for me as each day brings reminders of the caring community around us. One day a card, yellow like sunshine, on another, a bouquet of white and yellow daisies, or a wonderful letter, an e-mail, a telephone call or a response to this blog. To these bearers of light, people taking time to listen, to cheer on, and to speak of hope and grace and God’s unfailing love I say “Thank you so very much!”