March 22, 2006
Spring came in a snow storm this year and my life appears to move forward in contradictions as well. For the first time since Christmas, I felt energy almost equal to the former life and it made my heart sing. . . I enjoyed greatly doing some household chores and hauling large buckets of bird seed out to the beleaguered birds that gathered in huge numbers near the feeding stations. They came from every direction through the blowing snow to share the food, setting aside their territorial rivalries for the moment.
This morning, when it was time to return to the oncologist’s office for the blood draw, I was certain that there would be progress. In a way, there was, because the red blood cell count is up and providing me with energy, but sadly, the white blood cell count continues on its way downward. The immune system becomes yet more compromised and I was encouraged to keep track of my temperature since that will be a sure indicator that the defenses have been breached. Now it is not only the world at large that is a threat, but also my own body with its garden of microbes and bacteria that might seek to do me harm. It is too difficult to comprehend; I asked, “How am I to live each day?”
The instructions remain the same, stay away from public places where there are crowds of people, avoid the ill, wash the hands and never touch the mouth, nose or eyes because those are the entry points for sickness. This spring I may not garden because the soil carries all sorts of tiny bacteria or spores which when inhaled by someone as myself could cause awful illness. Then there is always the addendum, “Of course, you can’t stop living. . . you just have to be careful.” So I walk out thinking, “Don’t touch the doorknob, be careful about the car door, quick, wash the hands with Purell, egad! My eye itches. . don’t touch the eye!” I hold Charles’ hand, “Oh dear, he touched the steering wheel, and who knows what’s on that. . . wash the hands with Purell again, etc., etc.” It was a relief to get home and announce, “Today for lunch, Charles, I will teach you how to scramble eggs in the French manner” and so I did. The food was delicious and another page was added to the cookbook.