May 30, 2006
“i’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” For some reason ever since I have been declared “In Remission” I have felt less well than I did before the wonderful news. Now this is hard. For one thing, there is all the rejoicing that takes place over those lovely words, and naturally, when people see me they give me happy hugs and huge smiles. On Sunday, a woman said, beaming, “Our prayers have been answered! God is so good!” and I stood there thinking about popping an anti-nausea pill and lying down somewhere as soon as possible. Also, dashing through my brain was the perception that I had to look happy too, or risk being considered an absolute ingrate. I instructed my teeth to hang out and said yes indeed, but perhaps she might just keep me on her prayer list for a few more weeks. I am of the opinion that this last round of chemotherapy has taken my body to its limits and my present intention is to call the oncologist and inquire after options about going through the sixth (and last) round of treatment.
Today, rains fell out of the sky without the usual violence of wind, thunder and lightening. All of Sanctuary is standing very still and silent – doubtless in shock at such a quiet gift of watery sustenance.